sick again...

Today I am sick again. This is the second time in 3 weeks I have been sick. I am really mad. Not that I'm sick, but being sick in my situation sucks. I still went to school today, but yesterday I was so sick. My head felt like it was going to explode. I slept four hours in the afternoon and I honestly didn't have the frame of mind to walk through my plans. I felt really unprepared and was not ready for Monday. Much of teaching comes naturally, but I have to think through steps, directions I am going to give the kids, and stuff like that. When I am not 100% prepared that stuff hurts. The kids don't naturally act their best around me, so it takes my leadership. That was lacking today. I knew it, the kids knew it, and my teacher knew it. She didn't ream me for being unprepared, but I feel like she should have. I am a perfectionist by nature, and at the end of this day I am just disappointed in myself. I didn't give my best. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. But in the framework of today... I wish I had done better. 

Reflection

Today my advisor advised me to reflect by asking myself what is the reason things go well. Right now I am not sure. I am trying my hardest to follow my classroom teacher's procedures so things are ran well. I take a lot of her advice on how to make things clear. For example, my teacher suggested to show the different parts of my writing with different colors. these little details i don't think about, but they immensely help. More to come in the future on that... 

today we had our lab class and it was al about job searching. it was tense for everyone, but it freaked me out because i am out of sync. no one is telling me what to do or what is expected of me at this point. i keep getting different answers and it's frustrating. i don't know what to do or what I am able to do at this point. AHHHHHHH.  

Despite all the frustrations of daily life, i love what i do. i have to keep holding on to that despite the challenges. I LOVE WHAT I DO!!! 

I am lucky!

Today I attended my first 1/2 day staff development meeting. This was awful. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. It was the entire 2nd grade of the district. The goal of the two hours was to create a list of problems around the distrcit and then spend the rest of the time brainstorming solutions. This turned out to just be a complaining session. We did a gallery walk to list solutions, but many people continued to brainstorm problems. Then the action plan creation was just... unproductive. We have a really good idea to find mentors for the 2nd graders and have them set goals with their mentor and it would be really cool! But all of the teachers from my school were really frustrated with all the complaining. We were trying to be positive and find solutions like we were asked to do. it was just really frustrating that we HAD to be there, and our time was not used effectively and it wasn't productive at all. All that being said, I think that I am VERY lucky to be at my school surrounded my positive teachers and at a great school. i am learning a lot and I am not distracted by the negative, or major pressing issues that take away from teaching!

Frustrations

Life is very frustrating today. My teacher has let me have a lot more control, and she's not stepping on my toes, but she has had to call out separate kids in addition to my control. She stopped the entire class in the middle of my lesson because they just couldn't get it together. She shouldn't have to do it. I know I am doing nothing wrong. The kids know that I have the same expectations as Mrs. Tolle. I know I am just a student teacher but they need to treat me the same. I do all the same things. In the words of my Jewish grandmother, "Oy!" 

Also I drove to campus for a 30 minute class. Walked across campus in a monsoon. Not happy. It was not a productive half hour and I don't appreciate my time being wasted. I feel like I have so little of it and I try hard to be productive and respectful of my time. 

Planning has been frustrating the past week. I had an idea but my teacher basically tells me what and how to teach. There's specific skills for each week. There's a language skill, comprehension skill, decoding skill, and writing skill. I understand that I have to follow a curriculum, but I kind of feel like I have to do everything exactly how my teacher has it in her head. I think she has good ideas and I like what I teach, but I want to try some new things. I feel like I have no ounce of freedom and I don't like that feeling. 

Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tales- That's what Little Boys are made of!

Today was a very frustrating day with the boys in my class. Some of my boys are so smart but do nothing but mess around, goof off, and put little to no effort into their work. I could name four or five boys who have no motivation and just minimal effort into anything. Then I work with them one on one and they prove that they get it. My teacher and I had a long discussion about why these bright kids continually choose to get in trouble for whatever reason, instead of doing the right thing. My teacher is excellent teacher and her expectations are more than clear. Why do kids consistently do things they know they get in trouble for? I don't think the enjoy getting in trouble. I don't think their parents support them getting in trouble. I just am so confused. I grew up with brothers. I get how little boys are. I know they are ornery. It's just so frustrating to see kids getting in trouble for the same thing repeatedly. I don't know what more we could do to motivate them to do their best work and do the right thing. 

One another note, I got my first cold from those little buggers. It's an occupational hazard I know. But I literally spent all weekend on the couch. Ick. And today I felt worst than I did yesterday. Bummer for sure. But today I lost my voice so badly that my teacher had to take over. I am grateful for her support, but I just hate that I couldn't do my job to my best. I am a perfectionist and I hate when things don't go my way. Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow better, and I can have a better day. 

Computer is back!

 I have a lot to catch up on since my computer was far, far away getting fixed. I am happy to have my computer back on my lap while I drink a hot cocoa and watch American Idol. But I DOOOO have a lot to catch up on, especially on this blog! I am just relieved to have my life feel normal again now that my computer is back. I am way to dependent on this finicky machine!

So here's what I learned the past couple of weeks, in bullet points to save my fingers and your eyes!

1) Kids are so flexible! We had two snow days last week, and the day after that my supervisor was coming to observe. I was nervous because I was afraid the kids would be nuts after two days off, but they weren't! It was a normal day and they were on their best behavior. It didn't even phase them that my supervisor was there. Sidenote: My supervisor had nothing but good things to say, which felt good. I have only been doing this for a couple weeks, and it was encouraging to get some positive feedback and know that I am good at what I want to do. I love what I do, and I feel so much in my bones is that this is what i'm supposed to do with my life. So the positive feedback was great. Thanks Judy!

2) You can't expect kids to be the same one day from the next. If a kid acts out one day, that doesn't mean to brace yourself for the same behavior the following day. Each day is a new day, which is a life lesson for myself personally, not just professionally. 

3) Sometimes its about the numbers, which is unfortunate. Two teachers were talking about their frustration identifying two kids for special ed services. They are already recieving support from RTI and EdMark and other programs so its not like they are not getting any outside help. But the administration is dragging their feet because they don't want a subgroup formed because of the ISTEP. This happened two weeks ago and I still don't know how I feel about it. 

4) Parent support is key. My classroom has at least 3 parents every week helping out and my teacher really depends on them for help for everything from makign copies to pulling kids who need extra help. Strong parent support is something I will look for in a school when I apply. 

Okay so i am sick of writing, i'll continue tomorrow.